


Illogical, human love

by Heart_Of_Steel_And_Fandoms



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Ficlet, I wrote this on my phone when I was bored, M/M, SO SORRY, Spock is illogically in love with his human
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 21:30:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6167458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heart_Of_Steel_And_Fandoms/pseuds/Heart_Of_Steel_And_Fandoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock doesn't know when it happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Illogical, human love

Spock doesn't know when it happened.

But no- that is not quite true.

Spock could tell you- to the minute- exactly how long he's been Captain Kirk's second and XO on the Enterprise.

He could tell you the exact number of missions they've been on (with a success rate that's downright _scary_ ), and how many women have claimed to have slept with his captain. It's a very long list. And they're only the ones he knows about.

He could tell you the number of chess games he and his captain have shared, whether in his quarters or the captain's or in random places all around the ship, and what the win-to-lose ratio is (he's losing, but only just- a vast improvement from the first few months they played when his captain's irregular and random playing style left him knocking over his king with bewildered astonishment and admiration _every. Single. Time_ ), or even about the many times he's had to save his captain's reckless life and ended up having his own saved not even days later in return (though if he's being completely honest that stopped being about keeping score months ago and somehow morphed into proof that he, Spock, was _friends_ with the irrepressibly human James Tiberius Kirk).

Ask him about the first time they spoke the same words at the same time, or every conversation they've ever shared from that first disastrous meeting, or that one time they had to mind meld to save his captain's life and the other time to save Spock's, or how many times he has wondered if he's doing the right thing staying on in Starfleet and not helping his people on New Vulcan yet couldn't ever really bring himself to truly consider leaving-these are questions he knows the answers to.

They are definable, finite, certain, _simple_. They are measurable, whether in memories or numbers or the fact that Spock is _still_ on the Enterprise, alive and whole and dreadfully, remarkably happy, half-vulcan or no.

But Spock couldn't, _can't_ , tell when Captain became Kirk became Jim became _His_ , or when the sight of Jim, his captain, his friend, his brother, smiling was enough to make any day illogically a hundred times brighter, or why his terribly and unashamedly human heart beats ten times faster in his side whenever his captain is around.

He has no idea when his captain's irrational and illogical behaviour stopped being something to simply _endure_ and instead became something to admire. Something to be grateful for. Something unarguably, unrepentedly, and wonderfully human- like his loyalty and cockiness and random spurts of pure, unadulterated genius.

Spock doesn't know when here, on the Enterprise, with this crew and this captain, became more of a home than Vulcan, Earth or Starfleet ever were combined. Where being greeted by wide, open smiles every time he saw someone was normal and random bursts of unfiltered human emotion were considered as common and ordinary and unavoidable as a pulse.

Maybe the Enterprise was home long before he fully understood the word, back when Jim was just a cocky student and his life was dull and boring. Back before the Narada and the realisation that being human was not synonymous with failure.

Maybe this ship didn't start being his home until he realised that any number of people on this crew, this ship, would die for him. _Die_. Until Jim was grinning up at him from a bed in sickbay with a burning hole from a phaser in his side and bright blue eyes, and saying, "If I hadn't stepped in front of you, you would have died", and McCoy grumbled about "damn missions" but didn't tell his best friend not to do it again, and Nyota just shrugged when he questioned it, telling him Kirk would do it for anyone he cared about.

Until he realised that somewhere along the way his subconscious decided he was willing to die for this crew too and Jim was standing above him, gratitude etched in every laughter line of his face, and Spock found himself repeating what his captain had said to him all those weeks ago. Jim just laughed, and among the gratitude there was a sort of hysterical relief, and the moment was so human Spock himself waiting for it to go wrong.

The truth is; it doesn't matter when it happened. Because the Enterprise is home in a way he has never experienced, expected, anticipated, and through every mission and moment and word is laced his unavoidable admiration for the man he is proud to call his captain and his terribly human fondness for the entire crew.

Spock has no idea when he first fell in love with his captain, when bright startling blue eyes and a blinding smile became synonymous with hope and heart- or how long exactly his 'meditations' had been tightly wrapped up with restraining and resisting that part of him that wanted Jim- body, heart and mind.

Don't ask him those questions- the first time he thought t'hy'la instead of Jim- because Spock doesn't know. Which should be terrifying. Should revolt against both his Vulcan training and his human curiousity.

But Spock knows exactly how long it's been since his and Kirk's first kiss- with him pressed against the wall by strong arms and a dagger sharp cerulean gaze, and Surak, Jim makes no move to even pretend to be quiet or shy or modest, openly vocal and wreaking havoc on Spock's control- he remembers with a clarity that matches very little be's ever known (even with a Vulcan mind) the first time they share a bed- all flushed damp skin and warm dry lips and hands and straining muscles and jim _jim_ **jim**.

The first mind meld they share where someone's life doesn't hang precariously and tenuously in the balance wraps both their minds around each other irreversibly and uncontainably and Spock- his body and heart and mind bursting with love for his reckless, impetuous, self-sacrificing and so undeniably brilliant captain- Spock loses his words; finds that love is the most undefinable and uncontrollable and irrational and illogical thing in the entire universe.

But with his t'hy'la smiling at him, with Jim's hands and body and heart and mind and love, Spock can't quite bring himself to care.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short little thing that popped into my head on day, and I figured, why the hell not? Set in Abram's universe, but could probably be in TOS either if you wanted it to be, 'cept for brief mentions of New Vulcan and the Narada.
> 
> Non-graphic mentions of sex, violence etc. No obvious warnings, i think, but hey, if I missed something, feel free to drop a comment! Comments and kudos are always appreciated, and hope you enjoyed this little slice of fic!
> 
> Peace,  
> H. S. F


End file.
